based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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