your parents love me but you hate me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
