I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
