I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
