tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish you could order shots online.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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