Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
