In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
