Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
