we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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