i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
