mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
