3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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