I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
