you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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