There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
