I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
