I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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