Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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