there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
high people should be assigned attendants
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
