Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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