I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
