Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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