I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Is Oprah even human
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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