I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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