Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
