my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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