i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
