How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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