I got chris browned last night
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
