I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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