I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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