Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
