Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize