Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
