im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
