is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
