you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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