There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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