Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
