I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
