all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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