Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
