i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize