saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
