You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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