i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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