I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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