Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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