as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
