I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
