I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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