You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
someone owes me an orgasm
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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