Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
