What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
