That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
