weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
