Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
