I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
