Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
tequila makes me forget i have legs
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You need Xanax blowdarts
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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