Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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