i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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