I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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