You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
